


Letters to a little girl

by LynnTrash



Category: Original Work
Genre: Author is trying to learn how to express herself, Emotionally Repressed, Emotions, Help, How Do I Tag, Other, Personal Growth, Self-Esteem Issues, Slam Poetry, This is literally the author trying to figure out her brain, using poetry, yes I actually have that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-02-14 18:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 6,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13013808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LynnTrash/pseuds/LynnTrash
Summary: So as stated in the tags...this is a collection of original poems that I wrote because (to put it simply) I have a ton of personal issues. These are all free verse and are pretty much meant to be spoken poetry. I actually haven't written much poetry prior to the ones here so if you have any wisdom...please impart it unto me. Some of these may be mildly triggering (I mean I have been in a depressive for years now, been passively suicidal and have plenty of self-esteem issues), although I never say anything super explicitly in my poems but, yeah, you have been warned. Anyway happy reading I guess??Also, I have an account on quotev (under the username Michishige Ren so don't worry I'm not plagiarising anyone) and I also post my poems there. I have one story on there but for the love of god don't read it. My old writing is cancerous.





	1. Chapter 1

I once knew a little girl  
Who wanted her funeral to be a party  
To celebrate the life she lived rather than mourn her death  
I think she read it from a book somewhere  
I'm not sure which, though  
That little girl read a lot  
Read things that little girls had no business reading  
Like books on funerals and books on child abuse and books for boys

She was the kind of little girl  
that believed that everyone was good  
The kind of little girl  
who asked people if she could share their chips  
and when they said no  
She'd just go "oh...okay."

That little girl  
wanted to be a ballerina  
despite never attending a single dance lesson  
Her pirouettes in her mind’s eye were faultless  
Her arabesques perfect  
Until one day she realised she was on a stage  
and people had been watching and they were all holding scorecards  
2, 3, 1 the scorecards read  
The little girl didn't dance again

I knew a little girl  
who used to say “People are more than numbers”  
Until one day she tore herself open and that was all she could see

I knew a little girl  
who used to look forward to growing up  
But now that she has  
She's realised that she's still the same little girl  
Just trying to play dress up in shoes that are too large for her

I knew a little girl  
who used to believe that grownups and books held the answers to everything  
She doesn’t believe that anymore

I watched that little girl waste away from the disease of growing up  
And there was no amount of medicine that could have saved her  
Now I dread the inevitable funeral  
Because I don't know if I'll be able to throw the party she wanted


	2. Shell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is pretty short, and not my best poem (kinda dislike it). But hey the idea of this is to show my growth so we're gonna throw in the good the bad and the ugly.

Do you know that feeling   
When you're in the middle of class  
And you stomach starts growling   
But you tell it to keep quiet  
And it does  
But it leaves you feeling empty?

 

A long time ago  
My feelings started growling   
It sounded like a dog   
That was warnings me of things to come   
But I said   
"Hush little dog, be quiet."  
And it left me feeling a little empty 

 

The only problem is that  
Life was a never ending class  
So all I could do was keep saying   
"Hush little dog, be quiet."  
So that emptiness   
Grew   
Bit by bit   
And then one day I realised   
That I had become a shell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read until this point then...thank you :) do feel free to comment


	3. Empty glass

They say that depending   
On whether you see the glass  
Half empty or   
Half full  
Says a lot about your personality 

 

But in the glass that is my life   
All I can say is that it is   
Fully empty   
Because the world took away   
The water that used to be there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	4. To: All my lovers

I piled my questions upon you  
And cried when there were   
No answers to be found   
Within your arms

It wasn't fair   
Because I gave you no warning   
Of my tests   
And failed you anyway 

But I think  
I would do it again   
Because I found the answers  
In my moments of solitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3 Comments are always appreciated and I love reading them


	5. To: My father

The man that  
I write for   
In hopes that   
He will smile at the words   
That were never meant to be graded 

The man that   
I resent   
Because you placed your hopes in me   
Before they started to leak out of my ears   
But still do anyway 

The man that   
I love   
Because you taught me   
That not everyone in this world is good and beautiful   
And I am thankful for the lesson 

The man that  
I never want to resemble   
But whose face   
I see in the mirror anyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	6. To: My brother

I am sorry   
For becoming the Monster   
That I am   
Simply because   
I didn't how else to face the world 

The world is softer now   
But the shell around me remains   
Just in case it turns hard again  
Because I've learnt that   
There is no place for a soft landing 

And I know that  
I have hurt you with the thorns   
That protect my tower   
That you have tried to climb   
But maybe you haven't considered   
That the princess isn't ready for rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	7. To: Life

If I summed up our relationship  
I'd use the word dysfunctional   
Because you are unfair   
And while I knew that  
That doesn't make you any better

Your redeeming qualities   
Are that you are clever   
Mainly at screwing people over   
But you know how to balance it  
With the few that succeed  
For the sake of the optimists 

I was forced into our marriage   
And the only children born   
Was a cup that's perpetually confused   
About whether it's half full or half empty   
And a little girl that fears you   
And a Wife that would love to divorce you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	8. Two dresses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically a poem about my gayness :3

The other day   
I was at a wedding   
And I realised   
That I saw two dresses  
Instead of a tux and a dress

Mine was purple   
The other was worn   
By a nameless woman   
Whom I have placed   
My future on 

And then I realised that   
We'd probably elope   
In jeans and tee shirts   
And I'd hide the rings 

Because I wasn't ready   
To be judged   
By the harsh eyes   
Of people that   
Only see my gender and   
The wrongness of two dresses at the altar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	9. Mind games and other puzzles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slight mentions of my suicidal tendencies. You have been warned >.>

The other day   
You said   
End it all because   
Why not?

Today   
You scream   
You have so much   
To live for 

Tomorrow   
I don't know what you'll say   
But I think that   
Changing the rules so often   
Should be considered   
Breaking them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far :3


	10. Wrinkles

Those crow's feet around your eyes   
How did you get them?  
From nervous giggles  
Of an infatuated lover?  
Or from laughter   
At the silliness that only   
Children can produce?  
Or from squinting at the labels   
On cans because of astigmatism?

Those frown lines on your forehead   
Were they from   
The bills that arrived every month   
Regardless of how empty   
Your wallet was?  
Or perhaps from   
Rebellious children   
That in your heart were still  
Toddlers in an adult's world?

The lines around your mouth  
Well creased from the arguments   
And ironed clearly   
Into your features by tears   
They break my heart   
Every time I look at them   
Because I know   
They're there because of me 

Those wrinkles that  
Everyone wants to hide   
With injections and masks   
That we can't afford   
You should wear them with pride   
Because it shows that   
You have laughed   
You have cried   
That you have lived

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3 Comments are always welcome


	11. Gaps

There is wisdom in your eyes   
That you never truly got around   
To explaining to me 

There are wrinkles on your face   
That you never told me  
The origin stories of 

There is advice you've given   
And you've never shared  
On how you earned the right to give it

And there is a gap between us  
That experience and age   
Will not let us close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3 Where I'm at it's almost 25th December so for those of you a few hours ahead: Merry Christmas :D


	12. To: My children

To the eggs that sperm   
Has yet to touch  
To the ball of cells   
That is defenceless    
Even when it's 18   
To the children I hope   
To never have

This my gift to you  
A warning   
That life is   
Charmingly cruel   
That it draws you in   
With promises   
Of success and love   
But will break   
Every single one unapologetically   
Claiming it was for your own good 

Know that the world   
Is not kind   
And do as I say  
Not do as I did   
Because your mama  
Is just a broken   
Ball of cells   
And she is barely holding together   
With the use of scotch tape   
And the promise of help   
From counselling 

My child   
It is better for you   
To be unborn   
I do not want you to inherit   
My brokenness  
And I know that   
I can't protect you   
Or heal every hurt   
That the world will offer   
On a silver platter   
That you will grasp onto   
The same way you grasped   
At a new toy 

My baby   
Your mama has learned   
About life the hard way   
Has walked the roads   
Gotten lost and fallen down   
Sometimes because   
The world said it was arbitrary    
Without listening to her screams 

I hope that   
I will never have to repeat  
These words to   
Your sweet face and shining eyes   
That are hoping for a map  
On your great adventure   
Because there is no map   
The world can offer so much   
So many buckets of tears  
So many scraps of smiles   
Your mama was once a child too  
And still is   
Still grabbing onto silver platters   
For their shininess   
Without seeing what is in them

My sweet child   
That I will never have   
Stay in me  
As a simple egg   
Because this is the only way   
I know how to save you   
From a world   
That is beautiful   
And cruel in unequal measure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3 It's less than an hour until the end of Christmas where I'm at...For those of you an hour ahead: Hope you had a lovely Christmas!


	13. Searching for the alphabet

A playwright told me   
That if I have to search   
For the words   
Then I'm doing it right 

Twenty six letters   
That's all it takes   
To build planets   
And breathe life into ink   
To end wars   
And start them   
To break hearts   
And bring closure 

But twenty six letters  
Will never be enough   
To describe   
The pain of rejection  
The laugh of a broken person  
The tears of a Mother   
Losing a child 

So we'll keep searching   
For the alphabet   
That can form the words   
To describe life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	14. Strangers under a roof

If people asked me   
To write about you in a testimonial   
It'd be pathetically short   
And filled with more questions   
Than insights 

One of you is smart  
Smarter than anyone   
Has the right to be   
And uses that smartness   
As your sword against the world  
Who taught you how to do that?

One of you is strange   
Deciding to be chained   
To old beliefs and decisions   
And crying when the chains chaff  
Who taught you  
How to craft that chain?

One of you is a ghost   
That used to laugh more freely   
And who tries to be felt   
Even when I hurl salt at you  
I've forgotten   
How we used to exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	15. Meteorites

They said "shoot for the moon  
Just in case you miss  
You'll land amongst the stars"

But there are an awful lot of   
Black spaces between those stars   
And that's what we never saw 

To the few that found   
A star to land on   
Good for you 

To those who didn't   
But managed to survive the fall   
You can join the pile of meteorites

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	16. Pick

Whiskey and scotch  
For those who wish  
To relive past glories   
And bygone times 

Tequila and vodka   
For those who wish  
To forget about   
A lover's caress replaced by tears

Stout and beer   
To chase away the loneliness   
That comes from having   
Far too many acquaintances 

The bartender  
Will tell you   
Pick your poison   
Because you can't pick your pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	17. The economy of a smile

In the market for happiness   
Demand is always high  
And supply is always short   
This creates an upward pressure   
On the price of this rare commodity 

Those simple things   
Like afternoon naps on the floor   
Suddenly lose their value   
From time-push   
And experience-pull inflation 

But sometimes   
We are able to reach   
A point of equilibrium   
Where we couldn't have the world   
But the little bit we do possess   
Is enough and on a graph   
I would label that intersection   
"Contentment"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :) Comments are always welcome!


	18. On happiness

I once read a poem   
About happiness and sadness   
Are two sides of the same coin 

But I can tell you   
That they are not part of a coin   
They are part of a cone   
With happiness at the apex   
And sadness the base 

Because for every drop   
Of happiness   
There is a larger volume   
Of sadness   
That will throw those   
Happier moments into   
Sharp relief by sheer contrast

Giving us needle pricks of light  
Guiding us when we find ourselves in  
The middle of a midnight sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	19. Why I write poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actually, I owe it to these two amazing authors who inspired me to take the first step in writing poetry.  
> The first is PrinceDrew who wrote the 'better off against worse for wear' series. The poems in there are simply breathtaking and are my main inspiration.  
> The second is not an author exactly, he is a spoken poet named Shane Koyczan and it was his poem 'For instance' that made me want to write poetry. He and Sarah Kay are my goals more or less.   
> Do check out the wonderful stories and poems, they're worth a read and a listen :)

Poetry is a lot like   
Shouting from rooftops   
Sometimes you impress people   
Sometimes people are surprised   
A lot of times   
People think you're mildly suicidal   
Or at least depressed 

Writing poetry is something   
I didn't think I could do  
Something I don't think   
I am good at   
In all honesty   
I'm better at writing prose 

Because prose   
Is disciplined  
And structured   
And makes sense   
Because prose is everything   
That I'm not   
But sure wish I could be 

Poetry to me   
Is fractured prose   
It is the word vomit   
From ingesting too many feelings   
Too fast   
It is the phrases that sometimes  
I can't make sense of but   
I know are true   
And a lot of times   
I wonder why I even write it 

In all honesty   
I think I write poetry   
Because I am far too broken   
To resemble prose  
And I take comfort that  
In these stanzas  
I can finally tell the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :) Happy new year to you all, I forgot to wish you last night, sorry about that. Anyway, hope we can all have a relatively happy year starting today.


	20. Papercuts

For all those times   
That you said the careless words  
That you thought were well meant 

For all the times   
I became a villain   
Because I told you to shut up 

For all the times  
My tongue became a sword   
And your ignorance paper armor 

And you cried   
That I was the one who hurt you  
Because I struck the deeper blow

Here's a little something for you  
Paper cuts bleed   
And paper cuts hurt 

And knowing that   
It was only paper   
Doesn't make it better 

"Ignorance is bliss"?  
That's a lie   
Ignorance is pain yet unknown 

Ignorance is the excuse  
I use to justify your actions   
Because I don't know how else to 

You say that   
You don't know any better   
That you aren't trained 

Do you really need training   
To think before you speak   
Or to be a decent human?

Your ignorance is the currency   
That is exchanged   
For the right to make mistakes 

But how many mistakes are left  
Until you realise   
That your bliss is another's pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :) My posting schedule may become a little more irregular because school is starting up again. I will still do my best to keep posting poems daily though!


	21. Walking in the rain

So today I walked   
For 15 minutes in the rain   
Because I didn't feel   
Like getting on the bus   
With red eyes 

And here's what I learnt   
From the walk 

Walking in the rain   
Unless it's really that heavy   
Isn't actually like a shower   
It's more like   
Someone decided to pelt   
Tiny water balloons at you 

Walking in the rain   
Is not as romantic   
As it sounds in the books  
Unless wet socks and wet hair   
Are your version of romantic   
In which case   
You've clearly never  
Actually had romance 

Walking in the rain   
Is not how I used to remember it   
Because I used to think  
That the sky was crying with me   
But now I realise  
Tears are hot but  
The rain is cold 

So the sky isn't crying but  
Maybe it's trying to make   
The tears burn a little less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :) Comments are always welcome!


	22. To: That one friend

In your own words   
You are salty   
About a number of things   
Mostly other people's girlfriends

But who can blame you  
After you've been doused   
In a sea of unfulfilled expectations   
That I have contributed to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	23. Chemistry

The science that governs  
Most going ons  
Is really made of equations   
That don't always go   
In straight lines

But even so, there is usually   
And endpoint or an equilibrium   
Where things stay about the same   
And it's supposed   
To be able to be summed up   
By numbers and products 

What people don't tell you  
Is that it's not usually that easy  
To find the values   
From the clues given   
To sub into your equation   
To get your numbers or products

It requires a bit of searching   
And a lot of work   
And the values   
Are usually really ugly numbers 

Sometimes we don't   
get the right value the first time   
Because we figured that our   
Ugly number was correct   
But the correct value   
Was just another ugly number 

So can you really blame me   
For leaking marks   
When in actuality   
It's not my fault   
For immediately liking   
Simpler subjects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	24. Irregular Pendulum

According to the people   
Who know me best   
I can be the sweetest   
And kindest person   
To ever walk the earth 

And then in arguments or   
If you piss me off  
I will be the kind of person   
Who fully utilises her vocabulary   
To tear you apart into less   
Than nothing 

I swing between thinking   
"I am a goddess amongst men"  
And then two hours later   
I can look into the same mirror  
As two hours before  
And hate everything about my face 

I oscillate far too often   
In my taste for romance  
One day I want a person   
More broken than I am   
So I can try to fix them   
Because the thought of them  
Falling apart without me   
Is mildly intoxicating 

The next day  
I want someone who is   
So put together and without flaws  
Someone by the book and   
Who acts like it   
Because I think that   
That kind of person   
Might be able to fix me 

Sometimes I am so driven   
That when I get results   
All I can say is   
"I don't remember what happened"  
And sometimes I barely  
Have enough motivation   
To get out of bed

I think in physics practical   
People would hate me   
Because I am a pendulum   
That refuses to swing regularly   
Even if it's for the sake of people   
That just want to get their results

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	25. Lemonade

When life gives you lemons   
Make lemonade they said   
But I wish that Life   
Would do a better job   
Of checking my order forms   
Before making its deliveries 

Because I have run out of space   
In my fridge to store lemons   
And they seem to be   
Invading my house   
I'm already knee deep in them   
And I've run out of closets   
To shove them into 

In short   
I'm not a very tall person  
And I'm drowning in lemons   
And my juicer  
Isn't top of the line or very new   
And I've run out of sugar   
And the water bills need to be paid 

In short   
I can't make that much lemonade   
And I'm sick of drinking it   
And I've run out of people   
To share it with 

So dear Life,  
It'd be much appreciated   
If you would please stop  
With the truckloads   
Of lemons that you dump onto   
My doorstep without   
Ever getting my go ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	26. Cars

If life is a series of roads   
Then we are drivers   
In our own little cars   
I want mine to be a   
Jeep of some kind   
But it's probably a Toyota   
Then again I didn't   
Get a choice in that 

At first all I had   
Were picturesque country roads   
With winding open roads   
No traffic or honks   
And I could hardly care   
That I didn't have a map   
Because I enjoyed the drive 

And then I took a weird turn   
And I ran into roadwork   
There were a lot of people   
Who didn't know road etiquette   
But didn't care because they had  
Bigger, flashier cars   
That traveled in convoys   
I had to learn how to drive fast   
How not to give up my lane   
And occasionally how to give   
Others the finger 

Now it's year seventeen   
And I regret the lack of a map  
Or GPS   
Because if I had those   
Then maybe I'd be able to   
Find my way back to those   
Country roads   
But for now, I don't have a choice   
Because I'm on a highway   
Without any nearby exits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading this far :)


	27. Culture

What is a culture?

Is it something I'm entitled to?  
A piece of inheritance   
That is not written   
In an ancestor's will   
But is instead carved   
Into the shape of my eyes   
And the colour of my skin   
And the things I am   
Supposed to know?

Or maybe culture is earned?  
Something you have   
To sit down and study   
To learn the intricacies   
Of a dance that will outlive you   
To learn the nuances of a language  
That goes beyond   
The dictionary?

Or is culture a chain?  
Binding you to values   
That you don't quite understand   
Or holding you hostage   
To the judgments of others?   
Is it the circular hole  
That you're trying to fit your   
Oval-ness into?   
So close and yet so different

Or perhaps culture   
Is something we create?  
Crafted from the clay of knowledge   
By potters of the past  
That will now be subjected   
To the heat of the present day   
To see if it will shatter   
Or if the shape will hold   
To become a vessel   
That our children will drink from

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	28. The children of the world

To some  
Children are the shooting star  
That you wish upon   
When you look at the darkness  
From both yesterday and tomorrow   
Letting unspoken promises   
Burn and the embers   
Drift a little closer   
To friendlier skies 

To some   
Children are the soap bubbles   
That you pour your life into   
And you can only fill them up  
So much before you   
Have to let them go  
And all you can do is watch   
And hope that   
They find a soft place to land   
Before bursting 

To some   
Children are the symphony   
You tried to write   
When you couldn't read music   
But you fumble along   
Trying anything new   
Trying everything you don't know   
And just hoping that you   
Have managed to make music 

To others   
Children are the wind   
Sometimes the gentle breeze   
That can blow away   
All the wrongs of the past  
Other times   
A hurricane that can   
Sweep up any and everything   
With only a bare hope of survival   
And yet in the eye of the hurricane   
They will still look at the sky  
And somehow still feel the breeze


	29. Writing stories

I am obscenely bad  
At reading music scores  
Despite my love for music

Which is why  
I am glad  
That I discovered writing

Because writing a story   
Is a lot like   
Composing a song 

There is a rhythm   
Sometimes a rhyme   
And always a flow 

There will be long passages   
Flowing and adagio   
Meaning to set premise 

And sometimes short sentences   
The fortissimo   
Of a character's dialogue 

Occasionally the chord will change   
Just as the scenes in the story do  
Which opens up new possibilities 

And occasionally the tempo shifts   
When there is a need   
To change the pace 

Literature is written in letters   
Music is composed in notes   
And both go far beyond the paper

So one day I hope  
That these tuneless songs  
Will become my musical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	30. The art of editing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shout out to all the wonderful editors out there that I've had the pleasure of meeting. You never get nearly as much credit as you deserve :)

Editing another's writing   
Is a surprisingly delicate task   
Because it involves   
Putting away prejudice   
And experience   
And all things that can make   
A piece enjoyable to you 

To edit is to change   
While at the same time   
Trying to keep the writing   
As it was meant to be   
And to put effort into   
Something that was never   
Meant to be yours 

Making edits is not so much   
A skill acquired as an  
Inborn talent because   
It means reading a work and  
Superimposing your views on it   
While ensuring that they  
Are woven invisibly into the seams   
Of the story 

The editor is ultimately   
The stage crew of the performance   
Not meant to be noticed   
And yet tasked to   
Bring the intricacy of the story  
To new heights   
To show that the story   
Can be changed   
Without actually changing anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	31. Chasing the shadows of yesterday

I reach out with a hand   
For a shadow   
That is smaller than I   
And grasp at air   
Only a centimetre away,   
so close and yet so far away

I chase after her   
As she runs away laughing   
Yelling her name   
And desperately searching   
For the words that   
Will bring her back to my side 

She plays a game   
Of hide and seek   
Sometimes present in  
The dark or thunder   
Where she and I both   
Shut our eyes and cover our ears

And while a younger me   
Would have been afraid of it   
I frantically search   
For the shadows of yesterday   
Because to even cast a shadow   
You first need light around you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	32. Contentment

It is a bubble   
Shining with every Colour   
The rainbow has to offer   
And more delicate   
Than a spider's web  
Capable of bursting   
From something as small   
As the air around it 

It is a window   
A single pane of glass  
With gossamer curtains   
That is easily shattered   
In the wake of hurricanes  
Allowing the debris   
From outside   
To join the ruins within 

It is the clouds   
On a sunny day  
That just need a   
Little too much water   
To make a thunderstorm   
That will shatter windows  
 And burst bubbles   
Of every innocent bystander 

And so I wait   
Fearful and almost hoping   
For the storm to come   
Because it is easier   
If you don't get attached   
To the sunny days   
When you're already so used   
To carrying around an umbrella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	33. Jackets

Jackets are my armour   
And a convenient mask   
Which would explain   
Why I have too many 

Some I wear   
At times when I need   
To at least look like   
I know what I'm doing 

When I wear them   
Fear is dusted off  
Vocabulary is gained   
And suddenly I am witty 

Some have to present   
A certain image   
Such as indifferent  
Or tomboyish 

When I wear them   
I am that one girl in the sitcom  
That wears too much eyeliner   
And has her boots on the table 

Some to me   
Are not clothes  
They are my second skin  
And a comfort blanket 

When I wear them  
They are my signature   
And can easily replace me   
In a photoshoot 

Do not underestimate   
The power of   
A well-fitted blazer   
Or a too-old hoodie 

Because they can fool the masses  
Into thinking you are   
Everything but   
What you truly are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far


	34. Answers

The whats and whys   
The whens and wheres   
Are like stray cats 

There are days when  
You call and they'll come  
Others where   
All you're left with are echoes 

There are days   
When you'll find them  
Sitting in their usual places 

Like dreams of the future  
The laugh of a lover   
The cry of a newborn   
Or the tears of a mother 

But days like today   
They've all gone off  
And left me with only how  
I was before meeting them

So like any good cat lady   
I'll simply set out some food   
And wait for their return while  
Wondering how my cats are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	35. 'Suppose'

At the beginning   
Of a sentence   
Is usually the start   
Of something rhetorical   
When you're not really   
Looking for answers  
"Suppose Santa was real..."  
"Suppose everything changed..."  
"Suppose I died tomorrow..."

In the middle   
Of a sentence takes on   
A different form  
And is the cry of expectations  
That have been brutally murdered   
By the reality we face  
"Santa is supposed to be real."  
"Everything was supposed to change"  
"I was supposed to die yesterday ."

And at the end   
Of a sentence   
It comes after the pause  
That you filled with broken dreams  
When after the struggle   
The only choice left is 'acceptance'  
"Santa isn't real, I suppose."  
"Nothing changed, I suppose."  
"I'm alive today as well, I suppose."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	36. Acrophobia

The branches I grab   
Are the low hanging ones   
Just far enough off the ground   
So my feet don't touch   
But close enough   
That my toes tickle the grass

I pay attention to those branches   
Carefully testing my weight   
Before jumping and grabbing   
And holding on   
No. I do not climb 

And when the time comes  
I jump off and let my toes   
Be hugged by the grass   
And be kissed by the soil   
Unhurt because there was   
Nothing to risk 

To those of you  
Who have climbed higher   
Good for you   
Climb higher and build wings   
Because clearly,  
You aren't afraid of the raging sea  
Below you 

But here's the thing:  
I am  
I am terrified to climb higher   
Terrified that if I do   
I'm going to look down  
And see that I am too far   
Off the ground   
To ever return safely 

I am terrified   
That if I climb higher  
I'm going to grab   
The wrong branch   
And the branch will break   
And I will fall  
And I will shatter on the ground 

I am terrified   
That if I climb any higher   
I will see the sky   
And suddenly the ground   
Won't be enough anymore   
That the grass will prick  
And the soil won't be soft 

So say what you like   
Laugh at me if you will   
But I am content   
With staying on the ground   
Like a bird with broken wings   
And I will build my nest here  
Safely, out of harm's way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	37. Pull down the stars

Because many years   
Or perhaps a few months   
Or maybe a single day ago   
Someone held a bundle   
Of hopes, dreams and fears   
And promised them   
"I will pull down every star  
If that's what keep you smiling"

And like every good person   
They will try to keep that promise   
And keep a ladder in the shed   
That they set up every night   
And climb to the top while reaching   
For that single point in the dark   
Tip-toeing and wobbling   
To see your smile 

Every night you will see  
Fields full of ladders   
With people standing en pointe   
And reaching out for stars   
Once in a while   
Someone is able to grasp that light   
And suddenly the star is   
In their triumphant hands 

They will never tell you   
About how their hands   
Blistered from the ladder rungs   
Or how cold the night wind is  
But when you make that promise   
To a bundle of your own   
They will silently leave   
The ladder in your shed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	38. Old friends I dance with

"Hello darkness,  
My old Friend."  
That's the line of a song   
That may have had  
A different theme and meaning   
But it's something I say   
More often than I would like to

The darkness was my Friend   
Back then the world was  
Too bright and too loud   
And all I wanted    
Was for the comfort of   
Midnight and my thoughts  
When we were agreeably silent 

The darkness became a lover  
One who always agreed with me   
One who would comfort me   
When I sank into its arms   
We danced on a knife's edge   
In a tango that they never tired of   
And eventually, I memorised it 

The darkness and I shared a bed  
And they would whisper  
Their sweet nothings into my ear   
When I was trying to sleep  
And when I woke up the next day   
With dark eye bags   
They would continue the sequel 

Now, however,  
The darkness is my stalker   
Hiding in room corners   
And sneaking into my bed   
When I am not watching   
Leaving me reminders   
Of a long-ago dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	39. The lilac box

Today I reread the letters  
From a past lover   
That I had long ago   
Stored away in a lilac box  
And I found that   
I didn't feel like crying 

I combed through my room   
Old memories served   
As bloodhounds of the trail   
That led to drawers and bags   
That I hadn't opened months

I reread every letter   
That I hadn't thrown away   
Fingers ghosting   
Eyes scanning   
Over memories that were   
Traced over in ink 

There were so many "thank you"s  
So many "You made me happy"s  
And yet all I managed to catch   
Were confetti made of   
Shredded memories   
A laugh here, a movie title there

Perhaps because   
The voice I read it in   
Was not yours   
Or perhaps this is the work   
Of the waves of time   
Softening the edges 

I reread every letter   
And managed to smile   
I took every scrap I could find   
And I put them all together   
In a lilac box that now sits   
On a shelf, gathering dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	40. SS Dream Destroyer

When I was younger   
You told me "you can be   
Whatever you want."  
But you removed the subtext  
"Provided we're ok with it."

I think it's a rite of passage   
For adults and growing children  
To create dreams and release them   
While an adult loads a shotgun   
And shoots them down 

Was it fun?   
Watching the bullets of reality   
Shatter the carefully crafted   
Discs made of innocent dreams   
Leaving shards for us to step on

And on the child's part   
Maybe this is "maturity"  
Not throwing tantrums about   
Having to pick up broken pieces   
Of past happiness 

You told me   
"You can be whatever you want"  
So I became everything you wanted  
And got very good at   
Quietly disposing of broken shards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	41. Empty spaces

I didn't know what to expect   
When I first told you   
"I need help."  
But I know what I didn't expect   
Was for you to say   
"What do you want me to do?"

Maybe I wanted you to say   
"It's alright. I've planned for this"  
The same you always did   
On family trips.   
You'd pull out a map   
And I'd suddenly see where to go 

Maybe I wanted you to say  
Nothing.   
To just hold me as I cried   
The way you never did   
When I was a child and got   
Scared of thunder 

I thought you had the   
Thesauruses and encyclopedias  
 Trapped in your tongue and eyes  
Because you always seemed   
Like you knew what to do   
As if God has granted you   
A recipe book for life 

But in that moment  
You were a lost child   
Looking at a bookshelf   
With an empty space   
Where the answers   
Might have been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	42. Raindrops

I wonder when it was   
That we stopped seeing puddles   
As an endless source of wonder   
And home to our tidal waves   
And tsunamis from a single step 

And instead started seeing them   
As an enemy to shoes and socks   
Avoiding them and rerouting   
To prevent a stain or the cold   
Pulling away at the children   
That want to dance in them 

I wonder when it was that the rain   
Stopped being something   
That we were awed by   
A piece of magic from the sky   
That was terrifying and beautiful   
And the thunder sent us running 

It has become something   
We click our tongues at  
Donning and umbrella with a frown   
As we futilely battle a beast   
With a branch of metal and cloth   
Dragging out the children hiding 

I wonder when it is   
That the child stops   
Tracing the path of every raindrop   
On the windowsill   
Wondering if hurt when it fell   
And instead turning it into   
A monotone tune of taps 

When does a child   
Stop trying to catch raindrops   
On their tongues   
And instead becomes grown up   
Enough to worry about germs 

When should a child   
Stop seeing the magic in the rain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	43. Teeth

Teeth are the gateway   
To experiencing loss as a child   
When the baby teeth   
Loosen and fall gracelessly   
And painlessly   
Because there were no roots   
And we are given a dollar  
By a fairy for the loss

And in its place, we gain   
Adult teeth that come with   
The mundanity of everyday   
The routine of brushing   
For the sake of others   
And for yourself   
Because visits to the Dentist   
Are suddenly less exciting 

Eventually, we lose   
The sweet tooth   
Perhaps for the sake of having   
A more refined taste   
For the delicate and subtle   
Or perhaps a reminder   
That diabetes is a reality 

And in its place, we gain   
Wisdom teeth that grow  
Painfully and slowly   
Bringing us tears and   
Sleepless nights and   
And yet once they have emerged   
We are none the wiser   
Only older

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	44. A single sentence

It is hard to say   
When a moment began   
And harder to determine   
When it ends 

This poem is perhaps   
A single sentence   
In a page filled   
With a thousand others 

And we are but thin books  
Within a thicker book  
Nestled seamlessly   
Like a matryoshka doll 

I may be a single sentence   
Or I may be a paragraph   
Or I may a book   
Or I may be the book 

I might only be part of a sentence   
A few words   
Neither left nor right of a period  
With no distinguishing features

But all I can hope if that is the case  
Is that the ink used to write me   
Spills over into a larger   
Sentence that continues 

Indefinitely and infinitely   
If I am but a few words in   
Let them be the ones   
That let the story continue 

Let them be part   
Of a run-on sentence   
That refuses to stop   
Even if the sentence has to change

Let that sentence become   
A paragraph   
Let it become a book   
Let it become the book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	45. Explaining nothing

How do you explain   
A lack of something?  
How do you describe   
Empty space?  
What words do you use  
To explain a void?

I may be a writer or a poet   
And I may have found the words   
To win me prizes and   
To earn praise   
But I do not know how to describe   
The empty space in the hole 

When your hand reaches   
And grasps nothing   
Not even a vacuum or dust  
Just empty   
Can someone please come up  
With a word to describe it

The feeling of nothing   
Slipping past your fingers   
And falling to the floor   
In inadequate explanations   
To the people who 

Actually have something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	46. Music boxes

The first is a proper one   
With a wind-up key   
At the back  
Purple and covered in swans   
With a little ballerina   
That has a broken spring   
The velvet lining stores   
The trinkets of a teen   
And the hopes and dreams   
Of a simpler time   
That were washed away by the   
Hands of a clock 

The second has a cracked screen   
From falling to the pavement   
Filled with every song   
I listened to and every song   
That I thought I should listen to   
Even the ones that   
I never truly liked but I thought   
Made me cultured anyway   
I listen to it now and   
I wonder what I had been thinking   
When I had tried to fill  
The empty Gigabytes

The third was also a phone   
And a faithful companion   
Travelling with me   
Where ever I went   
Until I had to let it go   
Because suddenly   
The battery life wasn't   
Long enough and it became   
Unreliable to carry around   
I've let it go but   
The songs I chose to download   
We're more carefully curated   
And I miss them sorely 

I am now on the fourth   
And I know my taste   
And yet once in a while   
I still recklessly download  
Entire albums into it   
I will let it go   
Not today but when I must   
I will keep it together   
With the others in a drawer   
For within this little box   
There is wire and metal   
And a thousand emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	47. Lessons from the chessboard

If there is a single game  
That I am truly terrible at  
That would be chess

From one too many   
Rematches with my brother  
Where I tried to reclaim  
Dignity I didn't earn  
And soon learned that I never would

I learnt that  
Foresight isn't just something I lack  
It's clearly something that abandoned me  
Because I far too often leave   
My castles undefended

I learnt that  
Strategy isn't my strong point  
Which foresight should have warned me about  
Because bishops and knights  
Have a tendency to get taken  
When I'm paying attention to defending pawns

And finally, I learnt that  
There is nothing lonelier  
Than a queen defending  
A lone king on the chessboard  
Against armies that want his head  
For the sake of a game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :3


	48. The dress in the closet

There is a silk dress  
In a gown bag   
Hanging in my closet   
That was tailored to fit   
A younger me 

Today I tried it on again  
For old times sake   
And I learnt that   
I have barely changed   
In the past year 

And that 'barely changed'  
Isn't the same as 'haven't changed'

The dress hangs   
Not as well as it used to   
But there were little changes   
I didn't notice   
That snuck up on me 

My shoulders   
Are a little more slumped   
And my back   
Is a little more tired   
The dress noticed what I hadn't 

I hung the dress back   
In the closet because   
It belonged on a stage   
In another world   
To a younger me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	49. Nigh markets

What I miss most  
From my old home  
Is the night markets  
Crowded and chaotic  
As the sellers compete to be seen and heard  
And yet, the flow of people  
Is never interrupted  
A river amongst rocks, we learnt to flow around

I miss the food  
Deep fried and fished out from  
The murky depths of black oil  
The freshness of a lonely stall  
On a roadside  
Far outweighed our fear   
Of the unhealthy

I miss walking along those  
Night market paths  
Every new turn  
Delighting and surprising me  
There were shoes amongst sweets  
Clothes between canes  
I miss the push of the people  
Guiding me to unknown corners

There is always a strange comfort  
In the chaos of a night market  
In the barely illuminated stretch of road  
With a thousand nameless people passing by  
Because it is somewhere  
That you can go to get lost  
And yet it is always  
Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far :)


	50. To: A certain Little Girl

I wrote about you in another poem   
Without actually remembering   
Who you were 

Was that little girl shy?  
Or maybe I'm just scared   
About strangers judging me 

Was that little girl wise?  
Because I think she was   
More so than I 

Did that little girl think about death?  
Or maybe that's the curse  
Of growing up

Where is that little girl?  
Because people say that she was grand  
And all I can say is I can't remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this poem compilation :) It means a lot to me and I do hope that the poems managed to connect with you and possibly even help you in their own small way. It's been a joy writing this and I will keep writing poems after this (in future works). At the moment, I'm taking a little break in order to let more poems accumulate at the back of my mind so that I can share them with you in the future. In any case, au revoir my dear friends and I hope that you'll continue to support me even in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first publication on this site and if you've reached this point then...thanks :) Feel free to comment I really do want to hear your thoughts <3


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